you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
its not stalking. its research.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize