All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You are a genius and a whore.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
