I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
