I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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