Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
