so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
im on a boat
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