I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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