Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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