Please, let me fuck your mom
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
