I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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