i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
