A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
