He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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