He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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