Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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