he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize