I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
