just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
