forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
