but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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