i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
