Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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