I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My bed smells like the plague
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