Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
