Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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