some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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