I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
