I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
