I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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