Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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