You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
