I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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