just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
