I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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