my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
