Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
