I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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