i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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