1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
