it hurts more in the daytime
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
