My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
