Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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