Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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