Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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