I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
