You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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