I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
