Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
