is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
