I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
