bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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