I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
