there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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