There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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