cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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