The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
