Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
